A few days ago, Derek Markham from The Good Men Project wrote about Seven Essential Superpowers that dads should possess. That got me to thinking. It isn’t just dads (and moms) that possess super powers, but kids too. I’ve compiled a list of 4 child superpowers. Now these are just the ones that immediately came to mind. I’m sure there are more so feel free list additional ones in the comments section below.
Elastic Arms – Every parent has done this. You have something that you’d rather the kids not get hold of. Maybe it’s a pair of scissors or a marker or some chocolate. You put it on the counter. Not the front of the counter, though, but *waaaay* in the back. Then you turn around to do something else. When you turn back, your child has run off with the forbidden item. There is no was that they could have reached it. No way, that is, unless their arms stretched across that counter, over the pot, around the cans of beans and past the shopping bag. Yes, kids have elastic arms and they’re not afraid to use them to get what they want!
Super Speed – When babies are little, you can leave them in the middle of the floor and be guaranteed that they’ll be there when you get back. Soon after they learn to crawl, they develop amazing speed. Their speed is pretty good when they want something, but when it is something that they shouldn’t have? That’s when their real power kicks in. As they age, they learn to control this talent. They dart behind clothes racks while you are in the store, they run down the block while you struggle to keep up and they grab items that you’d rather not them have. (Super Speed plus Elastic Arms is a dangerous combination!)
Psychic Abilities – The kids are in bed. You and your spouse are sitting next to each other. One thing leads to another and… wait, is that the kids crying? Did the older one just get up to go potty? Now they want a drink of water? Yes, kids might not know what it is that mommy and daddy do when they’re alone together, but they can sense when it is about to happen and how best to disrupt it.
This power also manifests in the ability to know just the right thing to say to achieve maximum parental embarrassment. Whether it is repeating an offhand remark you said weeks ago or asking a highly inappropriate question, kids excel at causing embarrassment.
Hyper Cuteness – Now, these powers might be dangerous, but surely using them would get your kid time in the local super villain detention center, or maybe just sent to their room without dessert. And sometimes it does. (The no dessert thing, not the super villain detention center thing.) But all too often they get away with it. Why? This is their most devious power of all: Hyper Cuteness (also known as Super Sweetness or Mega Adorableness). One hug, “Daddy, I love you” or smile and suddenly you’re left with no memory of their infractions. You might even wind up rewarding them. It’s heinous, I tell you, heinous!
So there you have it. Beware of the superpowers that children can (and do) wield. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my son just smiled at me and I need to give him a hug. He’s sooooo cute!